.......

its freezing......
i feel lonely like hell
i feel scared
i'm trying to tell myself that today is a good day
but i can't help it
i'm confused
i feel like everything is fallin' apart
i'm gonna let i all out here cos probably no one is reading (hope so)
i'm just so sick of keepin it all together
i wanna let go i wanna let it out
i wanna fall apart
my mum is sick she doesn't know how serious it is but i do
i do know that the day will come when she won't be able to stand
and i pretend like i don't cos i wanna be strong for her and for my dad and brothers
each time she tell me about the pain i act like its nothing dun worry just take that
and you will be fine but she is not gonna be fine
and she thinks i dun really care cos i act like its nothing
but i do ...god i do i just have to keep it together i dun want her to be scared of whuts coming
i dun want her to feel the way i do
i can't talk to anyone about it
i just can't

i'm scared about my dad he smokes like an addict and he has a history of stroke
drs keep telling him he should quit but he can't
and i'm scared

i look at my brothers
and i do want them to be something
i want them to make thier life extraordinary
i want yasser to be a football player as he wants
i want omar to be able to see his way
i'm just scared of watching them wasting their dreams

i miss my grand ma so much
she was the only person in my life that made me feel safe
she made me feel that its ok if fall she will always be there to catch me
since i lost her and i lost her so many years before she actually die
since i lost her i never found that feeling again
since i lost her i'm scared

i'm scared of not becoming the person i want to be
i dun wanna turn out to be a disappointment

i wanna live
i wanna be
i wanna let go

and people look at me like the girl who has everything
she keeps it together
she is confiedant
she is fearless

can't you just see i'm scared of everything
and the only way i know to keep it together
is to act like everything is fine

the thing is i believe in a better 2morrow though 2morrow was never really better for me
i have faith in god without god i would never make it this far

and i keep telling myself

todaY is a good day
today is a good day.....

..................

its ironic how you could feel so alone when u r surrounded by all the people you love
you just look around to realize that u can't feel anyone of them anymore
and this feeling of loneliness keeps squeezing ur heart
you search and try to find that common ground again
but its not that easy to find......

i feel soo alone
this emptiness inside my heart is killin' me
i keep calling my close friends hoping that i will feel good talking to them
but i don't..i end up feeling more alone

the funny thing is
everything has changed time, place ,all the surroundings
and i'm still stuck with the same person
just me and him
and nothing in this whole world could make me feel more lonely than he does

i'm tired
family is tiring
friends are tiring
people are tiring
life is tiring

i'm still waiting for the change
though each time my life changes it became more tyring
but i'm still waiting

i'm still hopeful
i'm still smelling a better 2morrow

i'm scared (though i dun use this word much)
i'm scared of 2morrow
i'm scared of losing the people i love
i'm scared of my nightmares becoming real
i'm scared of getting it out of laying everything down
i'm scared of losing whuts left of me

i won't give up
i won't let go
i won't quit trying

i just need to lay it down



lay it down slow ~ spiritualized

if you got dreams in your heart
why don't you share them with me?
and if dreams don't come true
i'll make sure that your nightmares are through

if you got pain in your heart
why don't you share it with me?
and we'll just wait and see
if it's half what it used to be

and lay it down slow
lay it down free
lay it down easy
but lay it on me

if you've got love in your heart
why don't you keep it with mine?
i can't promise a miracle
but i'll always be trying

contradictory

everything around us has 2 faces and no matter how hard u try to prove one of them right and the other wrong u'll fail..
life sucks and its beautiful in so many ways.
love is overwhelming and its painful.
family is ur shelter and its ur encumbrance.
hope is refreshing and its exhausting.
happiness is whut u need but its after taste is whut u hate the most.
we hate people cos we're tired of loving them and we love people cos hate doesn't get us anywhere.
we work hard all of our lives to reach somewhere and once we r there we lose our enthusiasim.
you hope and pray for ur life to change and everytime it does it become worse and u start hoping u could get back where you were.
you enjoy being with the people u love but sometimes its the most tiring thing ever.
u remain silent when u have zillion of things fighting in ur mind
u hate it when people pressure u to tell them whuts wrong and u get disappointed if no one cares enough to ask

its life
its the way that we live
we try and try to figure it out
and in the end we just ignore it

so dun accuse me of being contradictory
open ur eyes ...everything is !!!

Happy new year

i've been trying to write this post since the begining of the new year and each time i write something i end up erasing it .. 2008 wasn't a good year for me at all but i realized that i dun really wanna talk about it
i'm hopeful and i actually think that 2009 is gonna be agood year it makes me scared actually cos the last time i was happy and hopeful in 2008 my grandpa was admitted in the icu the next day and my whole life was sort of upside down. he got out in the 1st day of this year thanks god :)
2009 is the year of my graduation (FINALLY) and i wish i become a good and compassionate doctor ..i've waited alot and worked hard through these years for that hopefully i'll finally get it.
i hope i become the person i always wanted to be i wanna feel lighter ,happier and stronger..
i wanna be able to forgive more so that i could really forget one day ..
i wanna be closer to god more religious cos i believe thats the key to every good thing in life
all the steps i took in 2008 were backward but i guess i'm ready to move forward now

so goodbye 2008 i'm really glad you're over

and to B,E and M i say goodbye with love you've done ur best to love me i've done my best to love you but we've just reached a point where there is nothing left to say anymore ..

to you 2009 i hope you are a better year

happy new year everyone =)


i'll say goodbye with one of my fav. songs ever i've probably wrote it so many times before but for me its a master piece
Adifferent kind of pain~cold

Before i let you go
Give me just one more night to show you
Just how i feel
I lost all my control
If it takes my whole damnned life i'll Make this up to you

Im kinda like the waves that roll their whole life
Towards somewhere crashing it on the shore
Thats blown in by the wind that carries the clouds
To hide my wish on a fallen star

A differnt kind of pain, is someone there to hold you
Is someone there to take you away from me ......

i'm a good person
i believe i'm
i never questioned it... even in moments of hesitation that voice in the back of my head keep saying it repeatedly i'm a good person
i'm not concited (hard to believe after reading the previous lines i know) but i'm not
the thing is i have to believe that if i wanna be a better person
i'll explain more ...
if u keep doing everything u can to make someone comfortable or happy not just for a day or 2 but for 4 years just to be thrown away 4 a better offer ...u have to believe u r a good person so u can just walk away and let it go.
if u get screwed by ur best friend the one u were always there 4 ...u have to believe u r a good person to wish him happiness and relief.
if u were so good at whut ur doing and they keep getting ahead of u just cos of their last name ...u have to believe u r a good person that will have whut he/she deserves one day.

u have to believe u r a good person so that...
u can give without taking,
u can listen more than talking,
u can heal even if u r broken.

i believe i'm a good person cos i wanna be a better one

so even if i can't take it anymore
if i'm so sick of listening ,smiling and pretending that everything is gonna be fine
if i'm so tired of being disappointed of believeing in people who always turn to be nothing in the end..
if i can't stand ur selfishness anymore

that voice in ma head will keep saying that i'm a good person
and i'll just do whut u need

the real question is... Am I really a good person or i'm just pretending to be?!!!


music~shagar el lamon~mohamed mounir
bene we benak a7zan we be3ado
bene we benak ayam we yen2ado
shagr el lamon dablan 3ala ardo
shagar el lamon dablan 3ala ardo...