An Un Even Trade For The Real World

.......

2010-01-28T08:40:00.004+02:00

its freezing......
i feel lonely like hell
i feel scared
i'm trying to tell myself that today is a good day
but i can't help it
i'm confused
i feel like everything is fallin' apart
i'm gonna let i all out here cos probably no one is reading (hope so)
i'm just so sick of keepin it all together
i wanna let go i wanna let it out
i wanna fall apart
my mum is sick she doesn't know how serious it is but i do
i do know that the day will come when she won't be able to stand
and i pretend like i don't cos i wanna be strong for her and for my dad and brothers
each time she tell me about the pain i act like its nothing dun worry just take that
and you will be fine but she is not gonna be fine
and she thinks i dun really care cos i act like its nothing
but i do ...god i do i just have to keep it together i dun want her to be scared of whuts coming
i dun want her to feel the way i do
i can't talk to anyone about it
i just can't

i'm scared about my dad he smokes like an addict and he has a history of stroke
drs keep telling him he should quit but he can't
and i'm scared

i look at my brothers
and i do want them to be something
i want them to make thier life extraordinary
i want yasser to be a football player as he wants
i want omar to be able to see his way
i'm just scared of watching them wasting their dreams

i miss my grand ma so much
she was the only person in my life that made me feel safe
she made me feel that its ok if fall she will always be there to catch me
since i lost her and i lost her so many years before she actually die
since i lost her i never found that feeling again
since i lost her i'm scared

i'm scared of not becoming the person i want to be
i dun wanna turn out to be a disappointment

i wanna live
i wanna be
i wanna let go

and people look at me like the girl who has everything
she keeps it together
she is confiedant
she is fearless

can't you just see i'm scared of everything
and the only way i know to keep it together
is to act like everything is fine

the thing is i believe in a better 2morrow though 2morrow was never really better for me
i have faith in god without god i would never make it this far

and i keep telling myself

todaY is a good day
today is a good day.....

..................

2009-06-05T20:19:00.004+03:00

its ironic how you could feel so alone when u r surrounded by all the people you love
you just look around to realize that u can't feel anyone of them anymore
and this feeling of loneliness keeps squeezing ur heart
you search and try to find that common ground again
but its not that easy to find......

i feel soo alone
this emptiness inside my heart is killin' me
i keep calling my close friends hoping that i will feel good talking to them
but i don't..i end up feeling more alone

the funny thing is
everything has changed time, place ,all the surroundings
and i'm still stuck with the same person
just me and him
and nothing in this whole world could make me feel more lonely than he does

i'm tired
family is tiring
friends are tiring
people are tiring
life is tiring

i'm still waiting for the change
though each time my life changes it became more tyring
but i'm still waiting

i'm still hopeful
i'm still smelling a better 2morrow

i'm scared (though i dun use this word much)
i'm scared of 2morrow
i'm scared of losing the people i love
i'm scared of my nightmares becoming real
i'm scared of getting it out of laying everything down
i'm scared of losing whuts left of me

i won't give up
i won't let go
i won't quit trying

i just need to lay it down

lay it down slow ~ spiritualized

if you got dreams in your heart
why don't you share them with me?
and if dreams don't come true
i'll make sure that your nightmares are through

if you got pain in your heart
why don't you share it with me?
and we'll just wait and see
if it's half what it used to be

and lay it down slow
lay it down free
lay it down easy
but lay it on me

if you've got love in your heart
why don't you keep it with mine?
i can't promise a miracle
but i'll always be trying

contradictory

2009-01-24T23:11:00.003+02:00

everything around us has 2 faces and no matter how hard u try to prove one of them right and the other wrong u'll fail..
life sucks and its beautiful in so many ways.
love is overwhelming and its painful.
family is ur shelter and its ur encumbrance.
hope is refreshing and its exhausting.
happiness is whut u need but its after taste is whut u hate the most.
we hate people cos we're tired of loving them and we love people cos hate doesn't get us anywhere.
we work hard all of our lives to reach somewhere and once we r there we lose our enthusiasim.
you hope and pray for ur life to change and everytime it does it become worse and u start hoping u could get back where you were.
you enjoy being with the people u love but sometimes its the most tiring thing ever.
u remain silent when u have zillion of things fighting in ur mind
u hate it when people pressure u to tell them whuts wrong and u get disappointed if no one cares enough to ask

its life
its the way that we live
we try and try to figure it out
and in the end we just ignore it

so dun accuse me of being contradictory
open ur eyes ...everything is !!!

Happy new year

2009-01-04T12:22:00.003+02:00

i've been trying to write this post since the begining of the new year and each time i write something i end up erasing it .. 2008 wasn't a good year for me at all but i realized that i dun really wanna talk about it
i'm hopeful and i actually think that 2009 is gonna be agood year it makes me scared actually cos the last time i was happy and hopeful in 2008 my grandpa was admitted in the icu the next day and my whole life was sort of upside down. he got out in the 1st day of this year thanks god :)
2009 is the year of my graduation (FINALLY) and i wish i become a good and compassionate doctor ..i've waited alot and worked hard through these years for that hopefully i'll finally get it.
i hope i become the person i always wanted to be i wanna feel lighter ,happier and stronger..
i wanna be able to forgive more so that i could really forget one day ..
i wanna be closer to god more religious cos i believe thats the key to every good thing in life
all the steps i took in 2008 were backward but i guess i'm ready to move forward now

so goodbye 2008 i'm really glad you're over

and to B,E and M i say goodbye with love you've done ur best to love me i've done my best to love you but we've just reached a point where there is nothing left to say anymore ..

to you 2009 i hope you are a better year

happy new year everyone =)

i'll say goodbye with one of my fav. songs ever i've probably wrote it so many times before but for me its a master piece
Adifferent kind of pain~cold

Before i let you go
Give me just one more night to show you
Just how i feel
I lost all my control
If it takes my whole damnned life i'll Make this up to you

Im kinda like the waves that roll their whole life
Towards somewhere crashing it on the shore
Thats blown in by the wind that carries the clouds
To hide my wish on a fallen star

A differnt kind of pain, is someone there to hold you
Is someone there to take you away from me ......

2008-12-14T04:48:00.003+02:00

i'm a good person
i believe i'm
i never questioned it... even in moments of hesitation that voice in the back of my head keep saying it repeatedly i'm a good person
i'm not concited (hard to believe after reading the previous lines i know) but i'm not
the thing is i have to believe that if i wanna be a better person
i'll explain more ...
if u keep doing everything u can to make someone comfortable or happy not just for a day or 2 but for 4 years just to be thrown away 4 a better offer ...u have to believe u r a good person so u can just walk away and let it go.
if u get screwed by ur best friend the one u were always there 4 ...u have to believe u r a good person to wish him happiness and relief.
if u were so good at whut ur doing and they keep getting ahead of u just cos of their last name ...u have to believe u r a good person that will have whut he/she deserves one day.

u have to believe u r a good person so that...
u can give without taking,
u can listen more than talking,
u can heal even if u r broken.

i believe i'm a good person cos i wanna be a better one

so even if i can't take it anymore
if i'm so sick of listening ,smiling and pretending that everything is gonna be fine
if i'm so tired of being disappointed of believeing in people who always turn to be nothing in the end..
if i can't stand ur selfishness anymore

that voice in ma head will keep saying that i'm a good person
and i'll just do whut u need

the real question is... Am I really a good person or i'm just pretending to be?!!!

music~shagar el lamon~mohamed mounir
bene we benak a7zan we be3ado
bene we benak ayam we yen2ado
shagr el lamon dablan 3ala ardo
shagar el lamon dablan 3ala ardo...

Random Thoughts..

2008-11-09T23:35:00.004+02:00

-its been a very long time since i last wrote in here

-i always hope for a change and each time my life changes it become harder

-i've done 3 stitches this weak and i actually consider it the best thing in the whole week (i hope the poor guy is feeling the same)

-i'm not sure of anything in my life except that i really wanna be a doctor.. a good one..

-i'm grateful for my friends for being there ...you did surprised me guys

-i always adjust to new stress by a physical symptom this year its hypertension!

-i love my new room bt i hate the fact that i have to get up everyday at 5 o'clock to go to college

-i'm pretending to be strong but i'm really tired ..... i'm tired of responsibility..tired of listening ..tired of thinking...tired of driving... tired of studying ..tired of trying to fix everything and sometimes tired of being me

-this is my last year in college and i'm really scared of the after-college stage when there is no place for mistakes...we all make mistakes but can u imagine if every mistake u do can coast someone his life!!

-i hate discrmination in any sitiuation or place even if i'm the one whos treated better or given a better chance ... thats why i'm happy for obama just because he is a sign that discrimination is over in the most powerful country in the world..

-i'm older.. i'm definitly older... and i get older day after day ...wiser?! hopefully

-i miss being a teenager ...high school ..summer days.... those meaningless dreams ...fruitless gossip..everthing that used to be fun ...

-i'm still trying to be a better me...god help me with that

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow,it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all .......

Grateful...

2008-06-18T02:00:00.005+03:00

this post is different ..its not about the disturbed mood of the frustration ..its different and i hope its a begining of a different mood.....

i'm grateful
i'm grateful for many things in my life

i'm grateful for my family...this loving warm family that god blessed me with
i'm grateful for everyday i spend with them and even for the days i spend without them cos it makes me realize how much i'm lucky and blessed to have such a family...
i'm grateful that i'm here now where i hate the most cos it only made me stronger and more responsible
i'm grateful for my cousins ... the way they just get me ..all the memories...all the laughs
i'm grateful for my friends... the way they love me even when i can't love myself... they always say they're grateful to know someone like me and its abless to have someone who can say that about you
i'm grateful for knowing someone so great and beautiful like my grand ma...and i'm grateful that i was there beside her when she left ... i always wanted to be there for her and i was..
i'm grateful for all the great memories i carry in my heart ... those moments of pure happiness that change who you are and always give you hope

and the most important thing

i'm grateful for you God
i'm grateful for the peace you give me each time i pray
i'm grateful for the hope you give me when i'm scared
i'm grateful for that heart you gave me ... a heart that still can feel ..
i'm grateful that somehow deep inside of me i still believe in 2morrow,change.love and the good in other people
i'm grateful for all the little things... like seeing my little brother's smile... like hearing my dad says he is so proud of me.. like feeling all that love from all the people around me
sometimes i just say that maybe if i'm normal i'll be happy all the time maybe if i dun think too much or feel too much i'll be better that that but the truth is
i'm grateful that i'm not normal ..that i think in every little thing cos somehow it can make me more grateful..
i'm grateful for being me......

kurt cobain

2008-06-15T10:33:00.005+03:00

i adore that man ...i do ..sometimes in the middle of the mess i just listen to him and i feel good
not happy but good like something falled in place..
i used to wonder why a man like this could possibly be depressed to the extent of suicide!
and thanks to doomed i now know.. he knows that i'm obssesed with the guy so he sent me his suicide letter he said i just came across it and you always wanted to know..

i'm still angry that he killed himself maybe he needed to be abit stronger maybe he just needed to hang in there but i gave it a second thought why not?! whuts the point of hanging in there anyway ?! esp. if there is no religious consequences i mean if suicide is not banned in islam whut would be the next issue ?! leaving people who loves you ..whut if you believe they're better off without you ....that you can't be good enough for them anymore...
dun worry about me ...its not like i think of suicide i dun have enough courage and somehow i still believe in the shinny future!!!
but i'm satisfied that i finally got it
dear kurt ..i really hope that you found the peace you were looking for

here's kurt's suicide note

To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun.

Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago
Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World
~ kurt cobain

Venting?!

2008-06-15T02:21:00.007+03:00

the ability to vent ...to just let it all out ..isn't that a bless?!
when you can talk or even write and get this load off ur chest
just say it so u can throw it all behind...
i completely lack this ability and its killi' me
i got out with 2 of my cousins today ..none of us was feeling that good so we thought its a good idea to go out ,sit together and maybe vent
i was there for about 3 hours and they were venting .. everyone was just letting it all out and they weren't searching for answers they were searching for someone to listen someone they trust....
and when they finished..they both turned to me "and you whuts the hell wrong with you?" i really wanted to talk ..i wanted to let it all out but instead i just paused for a moment , smiled (that yellow smile of mine that my mum hates) and said ..well .i think i better stay silent..
they kept going come on its not like we gonna tell anyone....
and its not that ...its not that at all .. i totally trust them ..but i couldn't ..i couldn't just talk

may be cos i'm not sure if they will understand
maybe i dun really know if i do understand
maybe cs i hate to be judged and i won't give anyone a reason to judge me
maybe cos the last few times i opened up to someone i end up regreting it bigtime!!
maybe i just lost it after all these years .. i lost the ability to vent

i still remember the last time i was really venting without caring if i make sense or not and its not a great memory cos after that i got one of the deepest scars in my heart and i never talked about that either to anyone

may be they're right ..i dun trust people enough or maybe i dun trust people at all
i dun know i really don't....

so if you wanna know how i feel
i feel like i wanna sit on the floor in a narrow corner with no one around doing nothing at all
if you wanna know why i feel this way thats the part i can't really tell or even write not because i dun want to ...i can't

and may be you're better off anyways

.......

peace

..........

And maybe someday we will meet,
and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause,
there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me,
so here I go.

I wish

2008-06-08T21:35:00.002+03:00

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear
.........
I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
And I wish you could know how it is to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free
.............
I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing cos I know how it feels to be free
.......
lighthouse family~wish

Vanished...

2008-06-08T06:27:00.006+03:00

wouldn't it be great if i just disappear for a while!!
thats all i want ...thats all i need and those 2 rarely unit
i just wanna close my eyes and disappear
and though i 've really disappeared inside i'll appreciate it if people just stop noticing me
if they just shut up for a moment and stop talking to me
just stop asking me whuts wrong stop asking me when i'll come back
cos i have no ideaa
i just woke up oneday to find that i've lost interest in almost everything
and i've been trying to find myself again but it just disappeared!!!
i can't find the right words to say and i'm not able to tell how i feel
i keep telling myself that i supposed to be thrilled that we're moving next year and i'll finaly leave this place behind but i'm not
i used to spend this time of the year thinkin' about whut i'll do in the holiday and day dreamin' about next year... i can't do that now
i used to believe that everything will be fine oneday but i dun care anymore
i used to tell myself that next year will be alot better but i dun believe that anymore
.......
i used to believe in people, in the shiny future, in my hopes and dreams
i just used to believe.....
...........
i used to be a fighter but whuts the point?!!
i used to be me...and i just disappeared
and its not just the exams period its the whole year but i was trying to denay it
until i stood there infront of the mirror once and it hit me..who is that person?!
........
so all i really want now is to disappear until i find me again ..until i'm able to communicate again
just keep breathin'....just keep breathin' Ran!
........
One more step and I could fall away
If it happened would it matter
And I can't tell if I should go or stay.
Same old picture feels so hollow.
How can anybody know what's best for me
Another page I turn in shame.
And my decisions brought me to my knees,
I needed someone to blame.
.........
I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
godsmack~hollow

......

2008-06-04T19:21:00.005+03:00

i'm not sure if its a good idea to write this or not but i've been telling myself those words for a week now and i just can't get out of this dark corner.. i'm trying but i'm depressed and scared to death...
i'm scared that i'm not good enough anymore and thats not like me at all
i keep telling myself that its all such a big lie that i'm confident and i can do everything on my own... i dun feel that i can anymore...
and thats can't be true cos if its ?!

then i won't be able to tolerate living with someone i can't even look at without getting back a bunch of sour memories

i won't be able to tell my mom that i'm ok of being alone that i can do it and she dun have to worry

i won't be able to pass by my grandma's room without crying cos i miss her so much and nothing is the same without her

i won't be able to promise my dad that i won't disappoint him when i feel so disappointed in myself

i won't be able to make it through those exams and keep my high degrees

i won't be able to comfort my best friends and tell them that everything is gonna be ok ..they depend on that sometimes

if i dun believe in myself enough i won't be able to take a step forward

i won't be able to hold myself together and just be me

khaled came by yesterday he really made me laugh alot but when he left i got back into that small dark corner...

oh god... everthing in my life depends on me being confiedent and believeing that i can go through everything

and if i'm not anymore then i can't live this life ..i just won't fit

and this voice in my head won't shut up
i'm not good enough ... i'm not good enough

Nothing to say!!

2008-06-04T06:17:00.000+03:00

6 quirks

2008-06-03T05:20:00.004+03:00

first time to be tagged thanks to KOV

These are the rules:
1. Link the person(s) who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. State 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Quirks:

1-i always imagine stuff in my head (situations,conversations..etc) to the extent that sometimes i can't tell if a certain situation was real or not!!!

2- i LOVE good food and i believe that a vanilla cake topped with white cream and strewberry can FIX everthing (yes i've been struggling with overweight all of my life and i'm finally making a progress now so just stop imagining me as SHREK) :D

3- i dun believe in happy endings .. the perfect love story for me is when one of them dies in the end!!!... so i guess i'll never be "happily ever after"

4- when i'm really bored i just stand infront of a mirror and have a meaningful conversation with the person on the other side .. and though it will sound so pathetic but those really are the most honest conversations in my life

5- i'm allergic to sea water and it kills me cos i adore the sea but i could never swim in it unless i wanna look like a strewberry that can't even move from pain (just dun imagine it!!)

6- i'm terrible with money saving .. i spend a huge amount of money daily and i never actually remembers how or where ...

I tag Dee, Dee-vine, Amy and Noona

enumerat 10 zilion causes why u shouldn't admit urself into medical school?!!!

2008-05-31T21:07:00.003+03:00

lakad kaharatne el nessaaaaa2

and i mean it literally i mean there is 1o zillion reasons for vaginal bleedig and same for vaginal spotting(yea they differ alot) ... 1oo diameters of the female pelvis and same for the fetal skull and 1oo ways to get this out of that
this is too much ...too much for the human brain really
and then there was the exam enumerate 5 causes for that and 6 causes for that 62 questions in 2 hours !!!

i hate exams i hate this tension and stress and its defenitly doubled when you're a medical student i mean people im my age is out there in the street they dun do exams anymore :(

the only thing i love about exams is when i get home after an exam (that i did actually whut i could in) and just throw myself on the bed and sleep after at least 48 hours of mental, phisical and emotional stress .. which actually reminds me of one of my fav lines from one of my fav. t.v shows 'greay's anatomy' >>
"why i keep beatin' myself with a hammer cos it feels so good when i stop "
and thats so true!!

wish me luck everyone i still have 3 weeks to go

i'll wait.. will you?!

2008-04-27T20:06:00.000+03:00

It’s like a quarter to 3
And I just can’t sleep Cause I’m thinking of you
And all those times we cried
Did we really try
Now I’m dreamin’ and blue
No matter where, we say goodbye
I’ll tell you baby, keep your head high
I’ll wait for love
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for love
I’ll wait, will you?
When times are hard
I think of you
I’ll wait for love
I’ll wait for love
And lookin’ in my eyes No more tellin’ lies
Asking to much of you
And when you kiss my lips
Love is what I miss
Not knowing we’d be through
No matter where, we say goodbye
I’ll tell you darling, I won’t cry
I’ll wait for love
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for love
I’ll wait, will you?
When times are hard
I think of you
I’ll wait for love
I’ll wait for love
Your eyes still gaze at me Through pictures
You could just be the one that got away
I looked down at the phone, it’s the number
Too many times a day
I’ll wait for love I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for love I’ll wait, will you
When times are hard
I think of you
I’ll wait for love I’ll wait for love

~matt white

Confession Of The Day

2008-04-26T22:33:00.003+03:00

i'm a worn-out female who is in desperate need of a true meaningful hug!!

just another day and nothing's any good

2008-04-25T11:51:00.003+03:00

i feel bad today actually the whole week i've been adding things up inside and obviously today is the day it all gets out
(It's just a day that brings it all about...just another day nothing's any good)..
i hate it when i feel so alone with everyone around
i hate it when you love me that kind of love that makes me not able to breathe
i hate it when you're soo cold and selfish
i hate it when you know that i can't actually stand you there and u keep askin' me to do stuff for you
and i hate it that i can't say no..
i hate the fact that you need me cos i'll never be able to leave you behind
i hate it that i actually believe everyone will be there for me oneday cos i'm always there for them
and its not true and yet i dun care
i hate it that i can't stop caring, loving and doing everything for people who will eventually leave me behind

DAMN IT!! i hate that i dun make sense at all

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do
I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

king of sorrow~sade

new begining?!! hopefully..

2008-04-23T08:43:00.004+02:00

so here i'm again ... still me ...still disappointed and still in love with almost everything
i made this new blog with a hope
a hope that i could let it all out without being judged or feeling guilty

i'm a music maniac so i have to add a song after each post whutever i feel like posting
here we go...

Tonight I lack the strength to even move,
When you walked, now watch me die
and I know this is harder for you,
For love to let you down
The road ahead is lined with broken dreams,
So walk, walk on by
And I failed to give you everything you need,
For the fears, behind your eyes
When I can’t feel you,I’m not alright,
I’m not alright,
When I can’t heal you,
I’m not alright, I’m not alright
~pilot spead (soundtrack of death sentence)