Wednesday, 18 June 2008


this post is different ..its not about the disturbed mood of the frustration ..its different and i hope its a begining of a different mood.....

i'm grateful
i'm grateful for many things in my life

i'm grateful for my family...this loving warm family that god blessed me with
i'm grateful for everyday i spend with them and even for the days i spend without them cos it makes me realize how much i'm lucky and blessed to have such a family...
i'm grateful that i'm here now where i hate the most cos it only made me stronger and more responsible
i'm grateful for my cousins ... the way they just get me ..all the memories...all the laughs
i'm grateful for my friends... the way they love me even when i can't love myself... they always say they're grateful to know someone like me and its abless to have someone who can say that about you
i'm grateful for knowing someone so great and beautiful like my grand ma...and i'm grateful that i was there beside her when she left ... i always wanted to be there for her and i was..
i'm grateful for all the great memories i carry in my heart ... those moments of pure happiness that change who you are and always give you hope

and the most important thing

i'm grateful for you God
i'm grateful for the peace you give me each time i pray
i'm grateful for the hope you give me when i'm scared
i'm grateful for that heart you gave me ... a heart that still can feel ..
i'm grateful that somehow deep inside of me i still believe in 2morrow, and the good in other people
i'm grateful for all the little things... like seeing my little brother's smile... like hearing my dad says he is so proud of me.. like feeling all that love from all the people around me
sometimes i just say that maybe if i'm normal i'll be happy all the time maybe if i dun think too much or feel too much i'll be better that that but the truth is
i'm grateful that i'm not normal ..that i think in every little thing cos somehow it can make me more grateful..
i'm grateful for being me......

Sunday, 15 June 2008

kurt cobain

i adore that man ...i do ..sometimes in the middle of the mess i just listen to him and i feel good
not happy but good like something falled in place..
i used to wonder why a man like this could possibly be depressed to the extent of suicide!
and thanks to doomed i now know.. he knows that i'm obssesed with the guy so he sent me his suicide letter he said i just came across it and you always wanted to know..

i'm still angry that he killed himself maybe he needed to be abit stronger maybe he just needed to hang in there but i gave it a second thought why not?! whuts the point of hanging in there anyway ?! esp. if there is no religious consequences i mean if suicide is not banned in islam whut would be the next issue ?! leaving people who loves you ..whut if you believe they're better off without you ....that you can't be good enough for them anymore...
dun worry about me ...its not like i think of suicide i dun have enough courage and somehow i still believe in the shinny future!!!
but i'm satisfied that i finally got it
dear kurt ..i really hope that you found the peace you were looking for

here's kurt's suicide note

To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun.

Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago
Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World
~ kurt cobain


the ability to vent just let it all out ..isn't that a bless?!
when you can talk or even write and get this load off ur chest
just say it so u can throw it all behind...
i completely lack this ability and its killi' me
i got out with 2 of my cousins today ..none of us was feeling that good so we thought its a good idea to go out ,sit together and maybe vent
i was there for about 3 hours and they were venting .. everyone was just letting it all out and they weren't searching for answers they were searching for someone to listen someone they trust....
and when they finished..they both turned to me "and you whuts the hell wrong with you?" i really wanted to talk ..i wanted to let it all out but instead i just paused for a moment , smiled (that yellow smile of mine that my mum hates) and said ..well .i think i better stay silent..
they kept going come on its not like we gonna tell anyone....
and its not that ...its not that at all .. i totally trust them ..but i couldn't ..i couldn't just talk

may be cos i'm not sure if they will understand
maybe i dun really know if i do understand
maybe cs i hate to be judged and i won't give anyone a reason to judge me
maybe cos the last few times i opened up to someone i end up regreting it bigtime!!
maybe i just lost it after all these years .. i lost the ability to vent

i still remember the last time i was really venting without caring if i make sense or not and its not a great memory cos after that i got one of the deepest scars in my heart and i never talked about that either to anyone

may be they're right ..i dun trust people enough or maybe i dun trust people at all
i dun know i really don't....

so if you wanna know how i feel
i feel like i wanna sit on the floor in a narrow corner with no one around doing nothing at all
if you wanna know why i feel this way thats the part i can't really tell or even write not because i dun want to ...i can't

and may be you're better off anyways




And maybe someday we will meet,
and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause,
there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me,
so here I go.

Sunday, 8 June 2008

I wish

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear
I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
And I wish you could know how it is to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free
I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing cos I know how it feels to be free
lighthouse family~wish


wouldn't it be great if i just disappear for a while!!
thats all i want ...thats all i need and those 2 rarely unit
i just wanna close my eyes and disappear
and though i 've really disappeared inside i'll appreciate it if people just stop noticing me
if they just shut up for a moment and stop talking to me
just stop asking me whuts wrong stop asking me when i'll come back
cos i have no ideaa
i just woke up oneday to find that i've lost interest in almost everything
and i've been trying to find myself again but it just disappeared!!!
i can't find the right words to say and i'm not able to tell how i feel
i keep telling myself that i supposed to be thrilled that we're moving next year and i'll finaly leave this place behind but i'm not
i used to spend this time of the year thinkin' about whut i'll do in the holiday and day dreamin' about next year... i can't do that now
i used to believe that everything will be fine oneday but i dun care anymore
i used to tell myself that next year will be alot better but i dun believe that anymore
i used to believe in people, in the shiny future, in my hopes and dreams
i just used to believe.....
i used to be a fighter but whuts the point?!!
i used to be me...and i just disappeared
and its not just the exams period its the whole year but i was trying to denay it
until i stood there infront of the mirror once and it hit me..who is that person?!
so all i really want now is to disappear until i find me again ..until i'm able to communicate again
just keep breathin'....just keep breathin' Ran!
One more step and I could fall away
If it happened would it matter
And I can't tell if I should go or stay.
Same old picture feels so hollow.
How can anybody know what's best for me
Another page I turn in shame.
And my decisions brought me to my knees,
I needed someone to blame.
I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow

Wednesday, 4 June 2008


i'm not sure if its a good idea to write this or not but i've been telling myself those words for a week now and i just can't get out of this dark corner.. i'm trying but i'm depressed and scared to death...
i'm scared that i'm not good enough anymore and thats not like me at all
i keep telling myself that its all such a big lie that i'm confident and i can do everything on my own... i dun feel that i can anymore...
and thats can't be true cos if its ?!
then i won't be able to tolerate living with someone i can't even look at without getting back a bunch of sour memories
i won't be able to tell my mom that i'm ok of being alone that i can do it and she dun have to worry

i won't be able to pass by my grandma's room without crying cos i miss her so much and nothing is the same without her

i won't be able to promise my dad that i won't disappoint him when i feel so disappointed in myself
i won't be able to make it through those exams and keep my high degrees
i won't be able to comfort my best friends and tell them that everything is gonna be ok ..they depend on that sometimes
if i dun believe in myself enough i won't be able to take a step forward
i won't be able to hold myself together and just be me
khaled came by yesterday he really made me laugh alot but when he left i got back into that small dark corner...
oh god... everthing in my life depends on me being confiedent and believeing that i can go through everything
and if i'm not anymore then i can't live this life ..i just won't fit
and this voice in my head won't shut up
i'm not good enough ... i'm not good enough

Nothing to say!!

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

6 quirks

first time to be tagged thanks to KOV

These are the rules:
1. Link the person(s) who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. State 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.


1-i always imagine stuff in my head (situations,conversations..etc) to the extent that sometimes i can't tell if a certain situation was real or not!!!

2- i LOVE good food and i believe that a vanilla cake topped with white cream and strewberry can FIX everthing (yes i've been struggling with overweight all of my life and i'm finally making a progress now so just stop imagining me as SHREK) :D

3- i dun believe in happy endings .. the perfect love story for me is when one of them dies in the end!!!... so i guess i'll never be "happily ever after"

4- when i'm really bored i just stand infront of a mirror and have a meaningful conversation with the person on the other side .. and though it will sound so pathetic but those really are the most honest conversations in my life

5- i'm allergic to sea water and it kills me cos i adore the sea but i could never swim in it unless i wanna look like a strewberry that can't even move from pain (just dun imagine it!!)

6- i'm terrible with money saving .. i spend a huge amount of money daily and i never actually remembers how or where ...

I tag Dee, Dee-vine, Amy and Noona